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My Story

My name is Francis (thanks dad) but I usually go by Flint. A couple of days ago I happened to do the unthinkable. Unthinkable in that I never thought I would actually have a penile fracture. According to Wikipedia they are uncommon.

Go me. From what the doctor told me, the soft tissue in ones penis can act as hard tissue if you have enough blood or pressure or whatever inside it. Wait, I am getting ahead of myself.

This dick breakage all came to be started with texting. After an exchange of texts with my girlfriend we decided we were going to go see a movie. Everything was great.

We met up, watched the movie, and then decided to go to by my house afterwards at approximately 6:30 p.m. This is where shit hit the fan. Basically I popped a woody and was in the process of adjusting it.. then all of the sudden I heard a “SNAP” as loud as popping your knuckles.
I jumped up, absolutely stunned my dick had gone completely flaccid, and looked like Gonzo’s nose…. What the! SERIOUSLY! “Alright we gotta go… we gotta go,” I said to my girlfriend with a calm but urgent tone.

For the most part I was calm, which reminds me now of when I cut my friend Phil’s finger to the bone in the exact same room and I was the one freaking out while he was able to remain calm. This time I was the one who was in pain. We jumped in the car and I immediately started to call my mother.

Gonzo's nose

This was one of the few times I wished she knew how to work her cell phone. Mom doesn’t answer obviously so I proceeded to call my father. He picked up. “…so Dad, umm… I’ll just go ahead and say it. I had a boner.

I was moving it and there was this loud pop and my dick filled up with blood/fluid but its huge and it hurts and I am going to the hospital.” Dumb founded like always he responded with, “well, yeah do that.”

I thought maybe Google would come to the rescue, or maybe I had friends who might have had this happen to them. I called my roommate who heard us leave in a hurry and asked him if any of his friends have had this happen to them. He said something along the lines of “maybe you’ll be fine”. Either way I was going to the hospital.

If this ever happens to you even, if it’s not a fracture, tell the receptionist that this is a fucking emergency. Triage will come into effect with things such as this. Say it hurts like hell — that might make them think. Make a big deal about it.

Just because I was calm about it the receptionist put me down as having “minor groin pains” and I had to wait for people who were sick with the flu to get in before me. A half hour goes by and my girlfriend started to bitch and all of the sudden we are telling our story to a girl at a computer. This time they started to do something. They took my blood pressure and listened to the story on how it happened.

After they took my blood pressure I had to go back to the waiting room with all of the flu patients. This is my dick we are talking about… my manhood, if you have the flu you can suck it up for now. Go home let me get in and see that doctor.

My dick is on the line. After a two and a half hour wait, I am in a room getting strapped up with wires with someone is finally looking at my god awful penis. This is about 9:30ish and I had been waiting to even get the thing looked at for about three hours.

I put ice on my penis and waited for someone to return. A sigh of relief came over me when the doctor said something like, “You’ll be fine in a couple of hours. Let me just get this all checked out and you can be on your way.”

This is not the way the world works when you are me. Ten minutes later he comes in explaining that I might need surgery and the urologist is on his way from home. Penis surgery? Oh god. A doctor came in and started bitching about “Why weren’t you in here earlier? You’ve been waiting how long?”. He began to explain the soft tissue acting as hard tissue. “Can you urinate?” I thought I could, so I took a cup to piss in and I discovered that I luckily didn’t damage my urethra.

If you are going to the Emergency Room for something you think might be serious, do not eat anything. From what Dr. Penis said, if you are put under and you throwsup food you can choke and die. I had eaten popcorn at the movies and had to wait till 6:30 AM to have surgery. I got the MRI done around 1 AM, and then they moved me up to my room and give me some toiletries while I laid and waited.
Flint's penis all gauzed up
A Vicodin and two shots of Morphine later and I was almost in the clear. In the morning they brought me down from the room and they put me under so the same Dr. Penis could perform the surgery. I woke up after what I believed to be two hours of surgery and my girlfriend and father were sitting there. Eventually they released me and gave me discharge papers along with a prescription for painkillers.

Now that I am out of the hospital my penis is wrapped and hanging, supported by adhesive bandages and still as swollen as hell. When I take a leak I have to do so outside, but at least it does not sting like it did the last two days. I am hoping for the best financially and physically.